Phase I Completion

2-24-2011 - Bangkok [day 2] 

It feels like the Phase I of my Journey is complete. It's been roughly for months of the "hermitage from the familiar," but feels more like 4 years. I am not the same being that left California. I feel like about 5 tons of onion "layers" have peeled off of me, and what a relief that is. More and more, I am coming home to myself. Everythings is simple, in the flow and there is a general state of bliss underlying every action....it's WONDERFUL. 

I have given up so many patterns that have "had me" for many years....even after the devastating "death" that cleared me out pretty well a couple years ago. They have regrew. Well, now I have consciously let go of them. Many had to do with love. Of self. Of others... not that there really is a difference. Shame, guilt, judgement....those instruments of system-enslavement - a software installed in us under the guise tof "morality" during the hypnotic super-download state [kids under 6 y.o.]. All those limitng it beliefs about it somehow not being ok to be our truest selves, follow our hearts and speak our truth. You know exactly the stuff I'm talking about. 

So what's different? I speak my truth without hesitation and with authenticity and compassion now. I say "yes" when I want to say "yes" and "no" when I want to say "no" [someone defined freedom as that the ability to do so, I recall]. I spend most of my time [which I stopped measuring long ago] in peace and contentment. I trust much more. Trust in my next step - that even if I'm stepping into the unknown, there will be a stone that will magically rise to support my foot. I trust that the dots will somehow connect. I perceive less and less separation between what I call "me" and the "others," seeing it more as consciousness playing a game of "observer-observed." One consciousness animating everything in my world. 

The recognition of the illusion perceived as "world" is almost palpable. Much of what has been intellectual concepts before have become visceral ways of being, integral parts of my existence. There is a KNOWING BEYOND KNOWING [as Kastaneda would put it] that seems to whoosh in the background like a giant ocean....it's presence is comforting. I no longer feel even a hint of "non-belonging"....remember that moment from "The Matrix" when agent Smith says: "it's all me - so many me!" Well, it feels kind of like that. Except that without the evil-looking eye glasses.

Unlike the "satori" I've had since the crash 2.5 year ago, this feels like a new stage, a new "corridor" as Jung might have put it. And here, there is not much action. There is little if any desire for anything - including all the attractions/entertainment that I see folks engaging in. Sitting on the street watching as an old cobble fixes my well-worn trekking sandals is more fun. Watching more "me" coming by....LOL.

I'm heading off to Russia in a few days to be with my family. Ram Dass said once: "if you think you are so enlightened [which I don't claim to be], spend a week with your family." I am both looking forward to the experience and am a little afraid of it. Is my center/gravity powerful enough to alter the web of old patterns that have been in place for years? I'm constantly reminding myself to stay at source. As soon as I switch into "victim" [i.e., "they" have the power - characters in my dream ruling the dream?], I loose center. I trust that something fundamental has shifted to where new patterns can emerge. The ones with more love, presence, granting being and authentic connecteness. I choose to generate that - as much as I can.

Ironically, as though feeling the completion of a portion of the Journey, my faithful camera's LCD has developed some zebra-like stripes that make visibility.....sub-optimal, softly speaking. Impermanence at its finest...

And then, of course, there is Phase II coming....